Legal Quandary

Monday, December 20, 2004

A Night in the Life of a Toddler

8 PM – create amazingly smelly “exploding” diaper. If possible, smear contents onto clothing or nearby surfaces. Bonus points if you’re at someone else’s house.
8:02 PM - insist on drinking a cup of juice while having diaper changed. Spill at least 50% of juice down front of dress and into hair.
9:25 PM – fall asleep on drive home.
10:00 PM – get poured into pajamas and fall asleep in crib. Fool parents into thinking you’re down for the night.
1:13 AM – take off pajama bottoms and diaper. Throw diaper over the side of the crib. Yell “uh-oh!” to get parents’ attention – they’re a little slow this time of day.
1:25 AM – go back to sleep after being put back into diaper and pajamas.
2:32 AM – repeat actions of 1:13 AM.
3:00 AM – insist on sleeping in parents’ bed. They’ll give in to just about anything at this point in exchange for a couple of hours of sleep. Make dad sleep on the floor. Kick mom until she yields 9/10 of the bed and the “good” pillow. Lean over mom every 15 minutes or so and cough. She’s been without an illness for almost 3 weeks – you should remedy that by making sure she’s sleep deprived and by sharing the wealth of germs you picked up at daycare.
4-7 AM – Dream blissfully now that you’ve succeeding in kicking both parents out of bed.

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