Legal Quandary

As promised, here's G's list for 2004. There were some formatting issues, which I worked on, but didn't get completely hammered out. So the heck with it - here it is in imperfect form. Anytime there's a line of asterisks, it represents a comment that was crossed out. The comment after it is whatever was scrawled in the margins next to it.

A disclaimer. Everything on the list is meant to be humorous. It's not meant to be offensive to anyone, though I can see where some of it might offend some people. Deal with it. I didn't write it and take neither credit nor blame for the contents.

-A registry with minimum purchase requirements

-Desktop calendars of desktops

****************Falls under “power tools women want”

-The South Central L.A. Diet Cookout Book

-“Balloon Animals in the Mirror” by the Giambi brothers

-The combination newspaper/garlic press

****************Didn’t Martha Stewart teach us nothing?

-“Memory” amnesia version

-Carnival rides called “broken yet functional… sort of”

-“Mannikin Manufacturing for Dummies”

-The inter-changeable self-cleaning wine/beer stopper

***********************Boston already gave me something pleasantly unexpected this year

-Utility whiskey

-NHL Hockey

-“Fan Appreciation and People Skills” by Ron Artest

-“Hunting Etiquette” by Chai Soua Vang

-Additives

-Refillable invisible ink

-Retro combat boots

**************In some ways, it makes CPR seem kinky

-Your flu shot

-UPN’s “Amish in the Ghetto”

-Rental bumper cars

-Revival of midday nap time

-Fireworks at the Macy’s parade

*************************Another reason stocking stuffers are not called “forceful sock violators”

-Hot and humid sauce

-“Arise and Walk” minimal action figures by John Edwards

-Countrysingles.com to refer to music

-“Mr. Gower did put Something Bad in those Capsules” by Viktor Yushchenko

-Post-nuptial agreements

-Pre-nuptial disagreements

-The all-in-one mp3 player/am/fm radio/ watch/compass/umbrella/thermus/wallet/alarm clock/pager/flashlight/lighter/ultility key/safety hammer/can opener/fax machine/coffee bean grinder/road flares/crystal ball/palm pilot/cell phone/nail clipper/toilet paper dispenser/flask

*************Ronald Reagan would’ve wanted it that way

-Vanity mirrors for shy people

-The official crime-scene investigators outlining body cookie cutters

-Treats that weigh what you’ll gain

******************It erased all recollection of the summer in Athens

-Gentle methods for breeding animals

-Cross-stitching on pins and needles

-Books on good driving while reading

-Tempur-pedic couches

-West nile virus-infected bird baths

-Remote control key locators

****************They really put that in Ovaltine?

-The original concentration camp tanning bed

-Crashed party-sized bags

-Figgy pudding

*******************Married folks ask for nonsense like that- oh wait- doh

-The four-in-one crib/toddler bed/love seat/adult bed

-Drinking and heavy drinking dining sections

-A distinguishing name for the length of time a shelf is supposed to last

-Insole foot massagers

********************Three words: Spanish train rides

-Palestine on eBay

-Those mysterious strawberry hard-filled candies that show up just this time of year but never seem to go bad

*******************************A trip to an Arkansas library is a big deal

-“How to be Punctual for Really, Really, Really Important Events” by Mark Geragos

-More car games that involve steering wheels

-A wolverine head staple remover

****************************I don’t know what that means

-Cowboy cologne

-e-landfills

-Snowblower fights

-More Nebraska film festivals

********Who said abusing prisoners and filming it wasn’t good wholesome fun?

-“The Passion of the Christ” the ride

-Noxema’s “exfoliate your shame” pads

-The blood pressure cuff/armband floatation aids

-The trailer park bench press/ironing board

-Scrambled brains on drugs

-The tri-action trekking pole/fencing sword/oversized camping butter knife

****************It’s up there with David Lee Roth as an EMT

-Water footbeds

-Carabiner piercings

-The difference between a dog in heat and a hotdog

-White out pen and stain remover

**************************Blood, sweat, and tears aren’t included in the favored gifts that keep on giving

-Irish singers who can correctly count to four in Spanish

-Inflatable Balco bobblehead dolls

-Crateandbrail.com – unknowingly misguided shopping online for home furnishings

-Reference books to other reference books

-The five-gallon caramel, cheddar cheese, and butter tin without the popcorn

********************“We won’t go until we get some” takes on a new spin

-A washable hamper

-Denture mouthwash

-Nuclear kayaks

-Basic second-aid kits

-Lines at the mall during Christmas to see Jesus