Legal Quandary

Lightening the Mood Around Here...

Ok, ladies. We need to talk.

It’s just now warming up in TVPNM, but summer is in full swing elsewhere. And the fact that people have shed their winter layers means that certain things that used to be hidden are now more apparent.

Just what the hell am I talking about?

The boobs. OH MY GOD, THE BOOBS!

Look, I understand that some of you are into the “Earth Mother” thing or whatever, but I’m telling you - the girls need a little help. Something to boost their spirits, and perhaps give them a little lift. Might I suggest a bra? Victoria’s Secret, Macy’s, JC Penney, and Nordstroms all have a fine selection. And most have a knowledgeable staff to help you find something that fits properly.

Here are a couple of things my mother taught me. Now keep in mind, she’s European and she still managed to impart this knowledge.

- Nobody likes “fallen fruit.” It’s as true of breasts as it is of produce.

- Your belly is not a shelf for your boobs to rest upon. You should be able to tell where one anatomical area ends and the other begins.

- If you’re not about 14 and still perky, those of you less well endowed might wish to consider something to enhance what you have. Or at least lift and smooth it. Very few things are sadder than pointy and saggy.

- Unless it’s large and saggy. Breasts should live somewhere between the shoulders and the elbows, but shouldn’t go visiting too close to either one. The navel does not make a good neighbor for the girls. It’s the anatomical equivalent of “the wrong side of the tracks,” if you will. And if you’ve got the girls hoisted up too close to your shoulders, might I suggest you relax a bit? That can’t be comfortable for any of you.

- Even given proper support, a little mystery can be a good thing. If you’re over, say, 35, nursed a couple of kids, and/or tanned extensively in your youth, you might want to think twice about how much cleavage you show. Take an honest look in the mirror and ask yourself whether something a little less revealing might look nicer. I’m not saying that the over 35 part is a hard and fast rule – some women can get away with showing a lot more for a lot longer. All I’m saying is that you really might want think about how much to put on display to the general public. The general public thanks you in advance.

- No one is comfortable when they see your nipples coming before they see you. Although people of both genders can’t and won’t say anything, they’re silently praying you’ll turn the highbeams down. Trust me – I know of what I speak.

- A corollary for the gentlemen (in case you felt left out.) This comment is especially for those of you who engage in speedwalking. Spandex is a privilege, not a right. I’ve noticed that many of you spandex wearers tend to be a bit older. Even putting aside the fact that spandex went out in the 80s (bicyclists excluded - that's a different case entirely), please trust me when I tell you that no one wants to see your 50 year old plus package on full display. Especially when speedwalking. Do you have any idea how ridiculous this looks??? If you’re trying to attract women in this way - stop. Just stop. The only type of woman this might attract is the “rode hard, put away wet” crowd – you know the ones who desperately look around the bar 15 minutes before closing to decide whom to go home with that night. In the words of one of my friends, it’s flattering, but you don’t want to go there.

Those are all the thoughts I have for now. Feel free to disagree or add on to my list. BUT remember – gravity is NOT your friend, discretion is the better part of valor, and just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it.

posted by Legal Quandary at 15:57