Legal Quandary

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Home Alone

The fam left for an M's game about an hour ago, leaving me in peace to post revise a paper from last quarter. I'm also multi-tasking by baking some fan-fucking-tabulous oatmeal bread, and soaking beans for baked beans, while munching on frozen oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookie dough. (Frozen b/c I like it that way, cookies take too long to bake, and the bread is rising in the oven right now anyway. Duh.) Apparently, I need carbs to write.

I realized I never followed up with many of the details about my "Spring Break," other than to vent about how disgusting the cleaning was. Plenty of time for more of that later.

I expressed some concern about going out to dinner with B here. We actually got together a couple of times during the course of my trip. The dinner was ok. I'd forgotten that Nebraska steakhouses aren't exactly known for their salads and vegetables, but the steak was quite excellent. And the wine was awesome. Which is all that really counts. If I'd really wanted broccoli, I suppose I could have gone somewhere else.

We spent most of the dinner talking about B's upcoming divorce, where I mostly listened and asked lawyerly questions. It appears to have been a long time coming, but he still seemed somewhat sad about it in that "I'm going to cover it up by making snide comments about her" way. We had talked about her before, and he'd often made uncomplimentary comments. I always found myself thinking "if I had married him, he might have been talking about me like that." And it always made me a little sad for them.

Later in the week, we went to visit his parents. B and I dated for 4 1/2 years and during most of that time, I was in a foster home, so his parents really took me in. I really missed being part of the family when we broke up. One of our other friends from high school also showed up, and B's dad kept commenting that it was just like when we were back in high school, except now B and his friend were drinking his beer instead of his Mountain Dew. During the course of the visit, it became clear that B had told his parents at length about all of his soon-to-be-ex's faults too - including her, ahem, lack of marital affection. It's not an issue with Mr. Q and me, but I can't even imagine having a discussion like that with my parents. Or Mr. Q's parents.

All in all, it was good to see B again. But it was a little strange to take the "This Could Have Been Your Life" tour. And to realize we weren't 18 anymore. I'm not sure he's changed all that much, yet I feel like that was a whole different life for me. I can't help but wonder a little bit how things would have turned out. Would I ever have gone to law school? Would B and I have had children? Where would we be living? Chances are good we would have stayed in Omaha - would I be happy with that? I have lots of friends who stayed and they seem happy there, but I get restless when I live somewhere for more than a few years. Would I have learned to live with his choice in decor? Or the mustache?

But when I think about it, I know it's all moot. Because I'm happy with the path I've chosen.

I find myself asking so many of those same questions about the man I *did* marry (and divorce). Would I have gone to law school if we stayed together (resounding NO, is my opinion), where would we be living, would i be working to pay off *his* law school and ph.d. loans? would we own a house? and on and on. all the what ifs of life.
I suppose I could ask myself those same questions about the one I married and divorced too, but I think I'd have more pressing issues. Like how to pay off all the debt he incurred in *both* our names. Would he have taken me down by filing for bankruptcy or merely ruined my military career? Would I still wake up every morning and think "How did I get myself into this?" and go to bed every night, praying "Please don't touch me...?"

The list goes on and on...
LQ: Sorry to miss your message earlier. I was taking a power nap. (More like lazy nap).

In response to your old post - you're not the Angel of Death. I just think at this age, it's the time when many of our beloved part. It's hard to accept, but unfortunately it's also part of life. I'm very sorry to hear about B's loss, and your loss (since they're like family).

The "it-might-have-beens"... "could-have-beens"... where do I begin? There are so many paths we could have decided but there's no way to go back and undo our decision. The most important thing is that you have a lovely family, you're happy with your husband, and that you've still managed a good friendship with B. (Though you know all this already).

I find myself in the same situation once in a while. I wondered where I would be if I had chosen to stick with my ex. Would I be in law school? Would I be happy? Would I still have good relationship with my parents? And I learned that you cannot have both (most of the time). So while I wonder, I don't regret the choice I have made (at least, not that particular choice). And I think (correct me if I am wrong) that you feel the same about yours.
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